Interviewing GWAR is no easy task. Getting murdered (GWAR lore upholds that everyone in attendance is killed at the end of every show) is really the least of your problems. There’s always the chance for an impromptu sex crack frenzy (with meth and Viagra of course) or an anal fisting; not to mention the fact that sitting down with Oderus Urungus really means sitting down with him and David Brockie. When you smoke enough pot out of a Red Bull can, anything can be confusing.
Did I mention this interview is totally, completely, unequivocally for “mature audiences” only? Seriously. You probably shouldn’t even be reading this at work. Unless of course your boss doesn’t have a problem with you reading about Jada Pinkett sucking Will Smith’s dick while you’re on the cloc… Oops. For the record, you were warned.
We’re going to start the interview with one Mr. David Brockie because he’s here and Oderus is nowhere to be found.
Urination is a relatively important process, one that – if ignored – can lead to serious health problems. Obviously we had to ask Dave how the hell he pees in such a giant collection of foam/body parts/history. Piss yourself. Go with it. There’s a big cup area. I kind of just go in a corner and let it out a little at a time. When we suggested engineering a tube that passed through the codpiece/tentacle/dong of the costume, he looked at us like we were the crazy ones. He didn’t hesitate to call our idea fucking disgusting – literally seconds after telling us he pees in a costume.
With peeing being so difficult, fucking has to be out of the question. Brockie’s never done it, though there have been countless requests. He was quick to point out that a blowjob would probably be possible – but only if it was from like a Penthouse Pet.
GWAR celebrated their 25th Anniversary in 2009. In and of itself, this is a big milestone. When considered along with the fact they’re currently at the height of their popularity, it’s even more impressive. If you read this far, you clearly have some emotional investment in GWAR – even if it’s only from Beavis & Butthead. Yeah, that was big for them. It wasn’t big like an appearance on Jimmy Fallon (It was the second most anticipated late night event that week. Obama on the Daily Show was one.) or a Pay-Per-View live broadcast of their Halloween concert. [These events occurred mere days after this was conducted and Brockie's excitement just talking about them made him seem like a kid on Christmas.]
25 years – and countless costume modifications, membership changes and albums – later, GWAR shows no signs of stopping. If anything, their recent success has made them even more ballsy with their lofty goals. Like a 24/7/365 Internet based GWAR TV channel so everyone can get their non-stop GWAR fix. Recording their own stuff 2-3 days after it’s written gives them the ability to synthesize the production and the band. He admits it’s still evolving, but they’re getting much better at it.
What else does he want to see GWAR on? A film, video game, museum, and a house band – just to name a few. When the money seriously starts rolling in, he wants flaming pigs pulled by flaming chariots – flying through the audience. When it comes to dreaming, Brockie – and everyone else in GWAR – dreams big.
Which is why you shouldn’t find it surprising that he feels like GWAR is the new Santa Clause (they’re more fun than Spider-Man) and no one takes to the level they do. [He did say that Devo and Gorillaz come close, but it's still not the same.] They’re going to rewrite Rock N’ Roll history and as long as Favre is still in the NFL he can be Oderus for at least another 20+ years. After all, being the drunken clown is important.
It was around this point in the conversation when we somehow (told you, shit gets confusing) got on the topic of Juliette Lewis and The Licks. Yes, that Juliette Lewis. After calling her a “smarmy inbred boob” he went on a tangent about crossover “artists.” For instance, did you know that Jada Pinkett Smith is in a band? He found this particularly infuriating because he can act too (GWAR performances are just as theatrical as they are musical) but he doesn’t make millions doing it because he’s a musician. Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is just supposed to stay at home and suck Will Smith’s dick all day long. It’s all fun and games until actors start producing shitty music.
Brockie leaves the room for a few moments (we won’t postulate as to what he was doing). When he comes back, he informs us he’s got a bunch of other interviews to do so we need to get the fuck out. Maybe he read the “someone just stole my cake” look on our faces – or maybe he was fucking around – but he tells us to come back before the show so we can ask Oderus the rest of our potentially stupid, definitely ridiculous questions.
During GWAR performances, the audience is showered from above with all manner of fluids in the name of GWAR. We could barely contain ourselves when given the opportunity to ask Oderus about the nature of said fluids. His favorite? Blood. No, semen, because it gives him great amounts of joy. You know, ejaculating it. He ultimately settled on a blood cum mixture but didn’t have a specific ratio of blood to semen. We knew it would be blood – at least partially – but what about viscosity? Which blood type is best? We thought the answer would be something along the lines of Type O Negative. Nope. It’s menstrual blood. Menstrual blood clotted with vag matter from all the women cleaning out their cunnies.
Changing gears (after mentally throwing up), and at the request of one Ron Stoner (real name), we asked Oderus about campaign finance reform. There aren’t words in the human language capable of accurately conveying his utter disgust with this question, but he answered anyway. “Why start now? The cat’s out of the fucking bag.” The gold standard is also utterly meaningless.
It’s a few days before Halloween and we’re standing (cowering) before an enormous, 43 billion year old alien. How pissed would you be if everyone dressed like you one day a year? GWAR is Halloween every day so he didn’t seem too bothered by it. Besides, the whole world doesn’t celebrate Halloween. “It’s nothing like that shit in Spain. Not the running of the bulls, that shit with all the tomato smashing. That shit is crazy. Just like those Muti magic bitches in Africa.”
He then proceeds to inform us that those “Muti magic bitches in Africa – the ones with the cut off lips” performed surgery on Britney Spears’ forehead. According to Oderus, they shrunk her forehead by removing her frontal lobe. We’re fairly certain this was his attempt at human humor and we laughed. It was probably more out self-preservation than anything else, but we laughed.
Speaking of self-preservation, we have already signed our death warrants by agreeing to go to the show tonight. If Oderus were in our unfortunate situation he would: fornicate, masturbate, get even, do drugs, encourage GWAR and have a sex crack frenzy fueled by meth and Viagra. Also, he wants everyone attending a GWAR show to remember to give GWAR all your money. The urge to spontaneously kill yourself is so great that people occasionally forget to do this. Inconsiderate pricks.
In addition to slaying audience members, GWAR quite enjoys killing political figures on stage. If forced to kill one – and only one – political figure during EVERY show for the rest of their careers, Oderus would kill Nelson Mandela. Clearly this is something he’s thought about before because he responded instantly. He interrupted his next thought by clarifying, “Wait. No. Bishop Tutu anally raped by Nelson Mandela. We’ll call it, Black Fist in White Man’s Sex Camp. 2. In 3D!” We added IMAX and he laughed. It was more of a guttural gurgling noise, but he didn’t kill us immediately. We’re calling it a win.